('you' is a potential partner in general. Past, present, future) You know why I don't wanna try to be in a relationship? Because it will be nice for a bit But I can never give you what you need. What you want, what you deserve. And at some point I will try. I'll doubt myself about it, and just put myself aside over it, telling myself I won't deserve love or a relationship if I don't do these things, be the perfect one for you. I will lose myself again. Its not that I don't feel anything.  Affection gives me life, I'm addicted to it.  Maybe that's why I deprive myself of it.  It makes me needy, do everything for it, if I'm not careful. And I don't think I'll ever fully enjoy it, a partnership. Always will feel lacking, because I won't feel the same as you.  I will never feel enough.  And I'll just shut down.  Too scared to talk about anything, because it will ruin the perfect image I've created for you. Maybe that's always ...

I'm not sure I'll be ever comfortable in my own body Events feel like dress up parties, Just to pretend I'm something I'm actually not sure of I am. Like comic con almost. Most of the time I just dress up to feel confident, To be cheeky, as a jab to the rules or the 'standard'. That does make me comfortable. In charge It's weird to say, but I know I'm pretty. Even when I look in the mirror now, I do am happy with what I see. It took me years but I'm finally here But it's strange. I'm not sure how I see myself in my mind's eye, But it's not similar to what I see in the mirror.  That's as much as I know That's why I don't care if I paint my hair, wear a dress or a onesie,  It does not change the fact that I don't have an image of myself in my mind.  Maybe it's still that little girl that's stuck.  Honestly, lately I've been telling new people that I dont care about if I'm called a girl or a boy, if people...

Most of the time I can be okay Just sometimes, everything throws me off I feel like a kid, very vulnerable and constantly guarding myself I don't know how to put it beside me Doctor told me it was not because the thing I thought.  She told me it was mental So now trying to fight the selfblame I just cannot let go Everything goes too fast,  One anx comes in before I can cope with the other I just want to be okay Is that too much to ask?

I cannot do anything else Than to interpret To guess To know everything that might happen It's what happens If you got scolded for forgetting the tiniest detail To want to do something yourself But get told I should've asked. It would've been prettier/better/more properly made I cannot do anything different Than to calculate the most efficient way To walk on my toes with anyone To not be a burden

Having anxiety is living in a completely different world Protecting yourself,  Seeing everyone and everything as a threat Even if something has not even happened yet Or might never even happen It might not even be possible. Going back and forth on it is draining Sometimes I don't even notice directly It's a different way of thinking Subconscious, most of it you don't even have influence on One thing that's usually why I notice, I get very negative on myself My appearance or actions I'm glad I don't live this anymore Not everyday. Just... Sometimes

I've just come to realise That how I used to be is bad It's a miracle I'm still here alive I've always downtalked it Held most crashes to myself I just want to be better. But God It was bad. That's not even a good word for it Stuck Stuck in myself, confined I really want to come to terms with it I think it's time to own up to how horrid it was I used to pray so much For God to take me away I just don't know how to communicate it Everyone I talk to about it, I don't want to worry them. Maybe I should.  I'm too strong for my own good. I'm done w that

 In some twisted way, you forget where you come from how bad it used to be. In some ways it's good, it makes us less sad of the past.  But goodness. I shouldn't be sad of what I have not learnt yet I've come so so fucking far, more than I realised myself.

Somewhere I'm very frustrated Maybe it's the two night of terrifying nightmares But I want to feel Something I want to hurt It's so hard not to fall into old habits This weekend is maybe gonna be hell The stomach pain The tension through my whole fucking body Being trapped in the world, the systems, ideas, myself Caught in myself I thought I was doing better I am  doing better It's just back again. I'll survive. I just hope I don't lose almost everyone around me Because it makes me such a bore

It's better to lose your sense of time,  Then to cling onto it. Better enjoy every moment  Than be the most productive you can be Better fill your time with things you love Than things you think you are supposed to do

Days like this It's so hard not to hate myself. The whole day I've been trying to be nice to myself Trying to find stuff I'll get at least a bit of happiness out of It works for a while. Quite long even today I had enough energy and no responsibilities,  That helps a lot But now, I'm crashing hard I feel like how I felt when I was a teen Hopeless Sinking into a dark pit No way out, And I rather don't drag others with me So I close myself off But it's not good I'll just drown in selfpity,  While nobody knows what's going on. But it's so useless I hate it so much I start hating myself, again And wonder, was all this worth it

I'm giving up on how things should be What is expected I'm just gonna do my own thing.  I don't need your approval. And if I change overnight,  Does it matter?

It's the time of year again Where I start thinking about life and death and everything again.  Where I distance myself from my own life, and say Is this really where you want to be? I am technically in a good place right now And yet I start to care less and less.  Because is all that effort All that energy and pain All worth it in the end? Also I still don't know what I like What I want What I feel.  I'm way too susceptible for what others think What they feel, what they experience.  I'm too good of a mirror I don't know what to do around others, who to be So I try different things, different roles, New faces.  But who the fuck am I One thing I do know, is that I'm okay with myself.  My feelings are valid. What I do is my choice. It's just often a mess

 All these years, I thought what I felt was loneliness. From deep inside me, like a piece that was missing.  I still don't know what it is.  I just feel like crying, wanting to be close to someone,  and yet, I am so tired of human connection.  A very fun contradiction in myself.  Over the years, I have learnt that I am not alone. I have so many great friends, and people that are close Yet momentarily I do not feel it.  And that is okay.  Just gotta deal with this feeling properly.  And stay kind to myself being okay with not doing much in a day because feeling okay is worth more than feeling shit and productive

I can finally let go control Of time Of my life I have tried to grasp Not to let go For so long. To use every moment, For what? It certainly never got me happier It made me strong, yes Strong to fight myself The worst fight One that cannot be lost Eventually you learn your own tricks The bad and the good side. It's a losing battle Self-destructive I am glad that is gone Mostly Fuck winter

 I just feel empty Momentarily, I don't care about school, about myself,  about goals, things I want to do maybe ever. There's just nothing Usually I would just care about others, throw myself in it completely, but that does not satisfy.  It does slightly, but not enough.  maybe it's just the winter getting to me again.  I'm fucked, ain't I

I'm scared I feel more than he feels I cannot let him go in my mind today Nothing helps. I hate that I get so attached.  Is this how it feels like to be in love?  With someone that is distracted so quickly, Responds so late,  How will I survive But when we meet... His eyes, his hugs, his kisses, It tells me something completely different. Such mixed messages.  But it's not bad to have time for myself.  At least he doesn't want attention all the time.  Honestly, that's exhausting I don't know what I want I don't know what will help. I'll figure it out. It's just a little new.  It does give me time to plan  Next time, I'll be prepared

To feel trapped, with no way out By your own feelings To just want all these things, Love to play with feelings, thoughts, touches And all you think is, this is bad. It will hurt Others. It's wrong. Bad. Not good. A sin. Your mind technically tells you: 'You are wrong. There is something wrong with you.  You're not supposed to be this way. You should be  nice. Only that way others will like you, are you  going to be accepted, will you find true happiness.' And yet. The only one I hurt most In all this time Is myself. By not fighting but complying.  It seemed easier.  Just to let others decide your boundaries and your likes. To what is supposed to be right.  But that is no way of living. That's being lived.  Learning to be constricted by yourself While I could do anything, if I just tapped into this confidence.  If I just feel the strenght I actually have If I accept myself for who I am or want to try to be I could rule the world

I now remember I loved to play the villain When I was younger To be locked up under the slide, Waiting for a chance to sneak out and  make the game more mischievous and fun I don't mind playing games, But mostly I'll just play my opponent Be daring, making it emotionally more fun Maybe I just like to play with people Or maybe I love to be played with Where did I get all that trust broken, Trust in others but mostly in myself Why did I lose the joy about being mischievous, Maybe I thought it was bad Is it though? Maybe I've been taught That you shouldn't be happy with doing 'bad' things. Messing around, confusing people But if it's not harmful, if you're just playing, Shouldn't that be okay? Now I'm winning from the anxiety,  I find a whole part of me That always was there, it was just too scared to show I've missed this. The confidence it gives me It makes me feel myself. Alive

All I want to do is apologise That I'm not stronger, that I cannot be the rock I want to be not tactical with my words I fuck myself over every time honestly I'm so scared to lose everything we had how little or how much it even was I'm so stuck, It almost wants me to give up on getting close to people Because it hurts so much when I'm feeling bad And there's no solution none Ive tried every healthy option It breaks me every time it happens I dont want to think bad about myself or others, and yet, it happens every month, at some point   Talking doesn't really help either.  And it's the same every month So eventually talking has no use anymore   I don't want anything. Not even hugs.  I feel weak, that I cannot even handle my own brain It fucks up so many things, if I'm not careful These are the days I'm bordering not wanting to live anymore again. Which I would be never able to, honestly. I really hope this weekend is going to be great.  Shouldn...

 skin hunger such a weird term can't we just call it hugdeprived?

 I get too excited obsessed even With new friends.  Addicted to the happy feeling craving it more and more It might be the reason I at some point deprived myself of it With me, It's just all or nothing,  but I don't have control over it I hate it because I lose my sight on what's reasonable and not weird

Anxiety is captivating me. Stops my breathing Cages my mind, Fogs up the exits Talking is no help Makes it mostly worse Plz just ... I don't know anymore It changes every second

 My mind is such a chaos,  Close to tears, Yet so happy about yesterday I can keep myself from not ruining the memories so far I don't know how long  I can keep strong  I need good sleep. I'll be fine.  Just hope I don't annoy people too much today

What am I now scared off It's the same old, isn't it Scared to be too enthousiastic, to give off the wrong messages. I don't even know what I want myself I have never known I'm a people pleaser in heart and soul I've been trying so hard to get rid of it, but every time, again It pops up. I just get lost in old patterns, as soon as conversations get too fun when I let myself go I'm glad I don't rely on 'needing' friends anymore. I'm blessed in the place I am. New friends are just hard, to find that balance, to convince my mind it's okay the way it is. That I'm not too much people are so kind though some have offered that I can call anytime. I'm just not sure I'll be able to convince myself. Again. Because I never know what I need What I want. It's confusing   Sidenote:  If you read this, do not worry. People seem to keep forgetting that me posting stuff here is mostly just to store my poems. Not to let ppl read them. But it...

 WHY is there such a grey area.  In what is right or wrong I finally got comfortable to share more and now I get told I tell too much It crushes me. I just want to be my fucking self Without justifying anything. Without reasoning. JUST BECAUSE   Let me live, without thinking twice Oh wait I already did it thrice - to infinity Maybe I am just too kind. And do I fuck myself over Time and time again.    I am trying so hard to do what is best.  It is just not doable, I cannot pick myself first.  In the end The only one I have Is me

I'm too much an enigma To even understand myself I'm trying my best to take care of me Whatever version is live now. Apparently this one needs nobody No responsibilities Just existing  And trying to enjoy I always forget there's other versions of me There are too many to count They all need something or somebody else I hoped I would be ready But I'm not. I cannot take good care of me. I need to learn that first.

The past few weeks have been lovely. Really But I've been dumb.  Wishing I just could do it all.  I'm sorry I compromised too much, instead of doing what I knew or should've known was better. I'm sorry to you, but also to myself. I can't pretend I'm well and just go through,  I will crash. Luckily I have the time and space to probably get this better I'm sorry that I can't involve you in this. I just want to make you as happy as you make me sometimes. I just go too far for the people I care about. It's my Achilles's heel.  Because it's mostly happening in my subconscious, It's hard to grasp when I'm doing something for me, or for someone else I'm afraid, I hardly do anything for myself. Even after years, I still don't know what ultimately makes me happy It changes It differs too much, every day, every hour.  Just like my mood.  There's just too much to think, too much to do, too much to maybe not annoy someone. 

I cannot sleep You keep me up Also, you're better for me than I notice myself,  Than I want to admit to myself. And also, I cannot shut up about you That is maybe a sign You make me conflicted but also so nice Some kisses are like magic Endorphins I usually hardly feel. It's very overwhelming at times But it makes me feel normal, included I hope I can learn to read myself better I do, every day, more and more You are a blessing, who I don't understand But also get so well I hope I can keep thinking rational And not retreat in anxiety in bad times I hope I won't lose you I just have to remember,  things are much less important than I think.  And everything will be alright

All I do is want to make you happy While i know I should make me happy too I just... I don't know what's wise Now just everything good Hurts afterwards Every nice day or date Afterwards I'm such a mess Often even during I don't want to For you, but also me It's such a conflict I like you, I like this I'm just so scared It's not gonna work. That it's not getting better. Even though everything tells me otherwise. Maybe I'm just scared for next week. The classes, the weekend w my parents, The too many things I have to do Which I don't know about yet Maybe we should pause.  To see if I have energy left, After school and other socials. And also maybe to give my mind some space To just run and maybe let some puzzlepieces fall into place.  I'm sorry

I feel like I'm a broken record Always tired, or overwhelmed, Day in, day out There's always something, Then there's pain, other times my mind  goes just crazy or I'm restless I really want to be more healthily balanced Not only for me, But also for people who are close I feel like I'm a burden, Only adding more work While I would love to reduce it To enjoy it I wish everything was just a little clearer And what I need and actually can handle Finally just completely overlap

 It's all so nice Yet my body is refusing so hard my mindcircles too to just be able to deal with it.  a simple kiss I really really want to but I can't shouldn't.  You say that you don't mind but even if that is the case,  you deserve so much more I'm afraid it just is how it is, and we just need to take a small step back.  I thought it was worth it,  but no, I notice my mind not being healthy I'm sorry. I should've said something earlier I guess I just got lost in your eyes

I've never thought  I'd be here Just the sight of your face Makes me wondering How, why, no you can't be true Only the look in your eyes Almost makes me cry Wish I could see myself through them I'm trying so hard To just accept it I just can't I need time I've never felt as safe As with you You push and pull but With such care You're better for me than Maybe I can ever be for myself I just hope Am so scared That's just for the wrong reasons That I'm just selfish I just don't know. Nothing So I try just to enjoy the now

Your hugs make me cry I don't understand why But you care With you, I'm okay to say no, Or, it's enough for today With you, I can experience new things Like being held, Being hugged tight And just be okay Just enjoy I've never done that before I don't know what love is for me But maybe this is close

If I've been happy,  I always want to apologise afterwards Like somewhere my brain Thinks that my happiness always costs someone pain Every day A little piece of me Dies inside I should take more time to mourn And not pretend the pain's not there Can I just go back to this afternoon I was finally at peace. Like I hardly am It was insane Apparently drowning in someone's arms Is what I always long for. I just don't know, if it's you specifically It's so liberating  Yet so heartbreaking  To recieve an endless hug That feels like you've been there forever  So warm and so welcoming  Thinking of it just makes me cry  This is what I've longed for And now it's breaking me At least I know now I can trust people I can be comfortable around someone  It's heartbreaking to myself That I learn it this late in life Now Don't forget  Not to be carried away too much  I hope I won't break some people

I know what I'm craving again Something I've been afraid of for so long I'm scared of what it'll do with me. This little taste I had yesterday I'm trying to find all the reasons Not to let it happen again While it was so good Why do I deprive myself of things That make me happy I'm so scared to be manipulated And I know I can be too if I don't watch out I'm so fucking scared by the judgement of a few It breaks my brain. Prohibits me to enjoy life The good things hardly last Once I'm finally there, I get scared what it'll ruin I get so anxious about losing it again I hold myself captive in my insecurities I guess I just want someone I feel safe with To hold me Where I can let go Everything And just be okay I know it's not fair to ask If I'm not even sure If I can fall in love

I've never thought id get so far. To actually become an adult I now say I have hardly any dreams But that's because the dream I had, Is way too dark I think I'm glad it didn't come true Still, I'm not used to this To this great place I'm at I keep doubting myself, Over and over,  Wishing I was further, More courageous. Although, I'd never thought I'd get this far I keep wishing for more And that's just unfair To others but mostly to myself. I guess I'm just not ready yet To be brave enough To know what I feel  Maybe it's better this dream stays a dream too. 

I can't breathe I'm surrounded by lovely people But this long lost feeling, It's back.  I just want to cry I've no clue what to do I shouldn't be feeling like this Every word I speak Feels so toxic I feel like I hurt everyone And I just can't hold it back

Show me your world I'll show you mine So my sight will be wider And yours brighter I'll show you up and down The darkest sides and lightest gown The burning sun and so deep you'll drown I'll open your eyes to opportunity The greed and the lust The happiness and the must I'm intense, I'm shy, All the things you can't deny Troubled and free Caught in some degree Come with me and we'll flee Over the rivers and the seas Let's see who can handle me There probably are just a few I'll probably ruin it with all of you Enjoy the ride while it lasts Hope you had a blast

I'm way more of a romantic than I try to show. Because I've never been bold enough to fall in love. I have way too hard of a time trusting people, what do you want, I hardly ever trust myself. Maybe someday. Someday has become more realistic as of lately. I'm just too scared to... maybe, ruin a friendship? I just don't fucking know how this shit works I'm still figuring out to see myself in a good way, to not feel bad after some conversations and talks. I'm already happy it's not every conversation anymore also I know way too well how to mentally selfharm. I try not to do it anymore, but it's just way too easy. Can't I just watch one romantic movie and just enjoy? Not feel jealous, not feel the pain in my heart of missing out, that I'm scared I can never trust someone like that? I know it's mostly moviemagic, but maybe that makes it worse. The unrealistic standards it sets might make it more effective. Anyway, I just try to stay focussed on t...

Maybe I'm just way too used, to adapting to other people in conversations, in what I can sense would please them. Maybe it's also the reason I want to know a lot of things Mostly just the basics, but if you know the basics of most things about you, about me, about how you came to be you, but also just a variation of things, hobbies, crafts, tastes, you can always find topics to talk about. With anyone. Maybe I'm like this, because I don't know how to make myself happy, what I like to do and find space to talk about that. Maybe I try to make up for this, by trying to make others happy, give them a space to talk. And I know, it's not this black and white anymore. I do experiment with this topic from time to time, It's just too easy to feel like I've failed. I'm getting better at not doing that. Maybe someday I can see myself like others do, or maybe someday I can just be happy with myself. At least for now, I'm okay to be me, that's already amazing...

I'm tired I'm hot And I know my mind isn't in a good place Why  How I don't really know? It's the tiny things The shadows I get distracted by The weird thoughts, that pop up That tell me, watch out. So the answer to how am I Is not simple at all today As my brain is shifting all it's attention To everything I'm insecure about Don't really what to do As talking doesn't really help And I'm not sure writing does either I guess I just need some sleep I just hope that this time I don't end up isolating myself Again.

Calmth Silence Nothing left to do for today. Except to just chill out and enjoy myself. Let's hope that the after stress won't suck this summer. Although, I've taken better care of myself.  It's not perfect, but at least better. I've learnt to be proud of things. I hardly am proud of things. Except of some of my art. I've also learnt to be proud of the small things.  The tiny things to overcome, that can feel so enormous. I'm not completely there yet. But at least I'm growing.  Hopefully at some point I can actually believe that people like me. Because I simply don't understand.  It feels like my brain gives off an error code. Let's hope I don't panic next time.  So I maybe have a chance

Why don't I care for me, Why do I feel so insignificant, That I should care for everyone, but myself That it's not okay To only think about me for once. Why do I always take others into consideration To the point that it ruins all meetings and conversations for me. I should be able to be me, Whatever the fuck that even means. It's the reason I cannot accept that I'm liked. That I cannot enjoy hosting a party, Because I'm a people pleaser So much that I concider myself nothing. Worth giving up to save someone else. Most people please others to feel acknowledged, significant. I do it because I'll tear myself down if I don't, And even then I keep doing it.  Not on purpose, but because it's how my brain is constructed. Why have I such a hard time, telling others that I feel terrible, That I panic, but I can't when there's people around. That my stress stomach ache sucks the life out of me. Because I'll feel that I'm a burden. Not worth to be ...

Why does it seem so effortless Like not every word that gets spoken Costs half a day To be honest About feelings even though you're not sure about them

What gives someone the courage  or the entitlement to speak up While others shut their mouth  and decide to fix themselves later. Am I just letting people step on me Or are others just so selfish? Or do I just care too much About them Or too little  About me?

I don't know why people care If I'm freaking out, I just can't I can nothing. Not breathe If I have the courage To try again, they misunderstand Or I feel like an intruder I want the best for you Me not able to be helped will just make you sad And when has it helped.  Only when there are things that can be solved Need of a different perspective. But not this. I'm just in pain And it triggers too much. I'm so stressed and confuzed and sad and lonely and empty and so so angry at everything because of everything. And there's nothing left to do After a day escaping in art, series, music, food, painmeds, there's just nothing to escape to left. I'm faced with the true reality that my body is unescapable Trapped in my own skin. I do am proud that I don't feel like that All the time Anymore

My mind goes wild Over everything and nothing I can keep it inside But it'll keep me stirring My body is so restless, I can't even sit still I break my fingers, just to have time to kill My stomach tense, my jaws clenched Hungry and sick simultaneously  Why this revenge It has no means Breaks my mind and energy I'm so depleted And why, you ask?  Probably because I don't know how the next weeks are going to be. But I'm not even sure.  It could be many things. Even the 3 calls and class startup tomorrow...  I Just Have No Clue. And nothing to resolve it with Except for waiting For this day to be over

At least one thing is good now I feel I am With way less of others (fake) opinions floating in my mind Have the space to say to myself,  No, not today And actually being okay If some things don't work out It's a much smaller world, Still complicated enough But with less noise Although it's still rough The hundred strangers you pass The thousand opportunities Have been brought back to a few And now you can even pick yourself Or be chosen, it's so new A new world, A new space Let's fall into it's depth And embrace Of course There's still hurt, even amplified But let's not forget There's still a good side

What would you want, What did I forget Why am I bad Why can't I do this, Think of that more, Why aren't I just perfect? You triggered them again,  I, too weak and tired to hold it back, To outreason you, on my own. I know, the thoughtpatterns I explained, It hurts you to know, you don't want to blame yourself  To go under by your selfpity And yet, you know how they work, And you dare to criticize, to meddle even though I let you know,  Stop You know I'm tired, that I have hardly energy at all And then you say I spend most of my time on myself, in such a condecending tone. I've worked so hard to be okay with that, To take better care of me, To even be okay with myself. I'm glad I usually don't live here anymore. How did I survive this my whole childhood I'm glad we talked this through, I'll just need some time, I hope you give me that much. Thanks mom

My heart 's racing, my breath is chasing it around and around and there's no sound but outbursts, of outbursts and protective sneering or inbursts lurking around the corner, driving me insane, making me confused because I usually interpret things okay but it's all so black so negative, so instinctive and primitive, almost like it's survival kicking in. But what for? 

I know you care. At least I knew a few weeks back, when I saw you, when I hugged you last. You told me you cared and would be there. Just in a few weeks This feeling is gone,  Something keeps telling me Not even to hold on To forget about all the good The care and the love Because who spoke to you Who tried to stay in contact? I know it's a few, but yet My fucked up mind shapes it Like nobody cares And fishes up all reasons why they wouldn't Why I'm not worth that. I'm trying to keep them away,  Because I know it's lies It's just now holding on for so long That I'm afraid I'm going to believe it...

I'm reading Writing, and repeating Like it has a use, Will be my muse Feels so useless Clueless Talk not helping Everything fleeting Like a distance Melting into the floor Like I'm no vast entity Soaking more and more Blurry, no filter Everything The bubble expanding Nothing kept outside Gone when I grasp Think if I may Change is too fast Nothing to last Useless for me But no clue What it does for you For anyone

I miss the smiles And all the laughter The many opportunities For random conversations I miss having everyone So incredible close And max a week or two away I feel like I'm losing So many friends at once And have no energy To keep holding on We'll see each other again, Rather sooner than later I hope you do well Please stay safe

Back again here. It's just me and my own thoughts. I have no clue what to think, I have no clue how I feel. It's getting dull again. The enjoument of things seems to fade. That has been some time. I'm getting caught in the circles again. Thought spirals, sounds of inaccuracy. Time of not being able to trust my own thoughts is back. My feelings where finally coming back. I forgot this existed. As we forget many horrible events and feelings I guess. A welcome back is in order. Hi. Although I don't really like you, you are welcome. You have your own strengths. You must be here for a reason. You make me see only the scaredness in my eyes, only visible for me. You make me think it's so obvious. But nobody will know. Unless I tell them this part has surfaced. But I'm afraid it has no use. There's  always things going on. Can it just end sometime. The want of giving up is hard to push away. But I have to. Else it will overtake me. I'm just so tired....

Your faces in front of me Just makes me want to erase em I know I don't want to let go But It would be easier not to get homesick I turn back bitter I can feel it creeping behind me Even texting anyone feels rude Enough reasons not to pester them Stealing time from them and their loved ones Some sleep, some sanity Just knowing they don't feel the same Or feel like they don't care at all Maybe also afraid of giving someone the wrong idea As has happened many times before... He has found a loophole To make me alone To sentence myself to pure isolation Because nobody will miss me (which I've been told is a lie) Everything gets me wishing for better times Makes me intensely sad. I don't know if I can make it much longer 

How these thoughts have been etched into my brain So stuck I can only hope they will eventually fade Everything about social constructs Based on the wrong ideas And the wrong hints That people dont even give off Overthinking too much and making that the truth Somewhere I do know I'm loved I am cared for Yet so many times I feel i annoy people Which most times is complete bullcrap

The doubt No space to breathe To have time and energy For the people I love I constantly say I feel bad And it's no lie, sadly It's all too much The tiny little rules in my head What is expected of me, What is wise I want to see more space I know there is I'm so used to these structures While they're all fake Phantoms I can't unsee anymore The constant fight to see through  The constructs that do not exist I crash constantly into  They keep me from telling the truth Let me believe I'm fine That I should be fine  Because of all the luck and skill I have  Others have it so much worse.  Just shut up for once It has gone so far that I can't cry with people around I can't panic Everything that's pure me I can only be alone with it I just wish I could show you The mazes I've got myself into Please Maybe One day I can cry In your arms If  You accept me I'm scared You wont  Or I will fuck up I'm so sorry Already If you only could...

One second I feel the world shifting Your smile makes my day Lets me feel how good the world can be The next I feel nothing It's like you're gone Like the feelings I had were all fake Never existed Afraid to act on sometimes none existing feelings I do nothing Too scared to scare you To ruin everything What's real and what was just a dream is not distinguisable It scares me I want to be honest about my feelings But i don't know whats reality Everything changes So fast Im so sorry

Rereading, reflecting made me realise The things you told me The trembles in your voice Tell me your secrets To fall in love The closest I've ever felt to that is not to compare I dont understand I think love is just a bit more complicated than w most I don't think I can fall I don't know If I'll ever find someone And experience some feeling even close to it And not feel left behind. Everyone goes faster with this than I do It feels like But I wish you all the best. You deserve so much more than I can offer I'm not worth your time

I miss being wanted Someone that keeps showing me that I'm apparently worth it. Admirable, worth giving up things for. It's selfish I miss being adored without me even trying I miss unconditional love I don't feel it. I'm afraid I can't give it either I struggle to be my own voice That tells me I'm pretty Tells me I'm worth it Whatever 'it' may be

What else can I tell you, than that I'm sorry, desculpe, and whatever the french word for it was. oh yes, Je suis désolé I was so afraid this would happen from the start. That we both got hurt, while we like each other. Do I even? I wouldn't even know. I've been lied to by my own feelings that I can't even tell. I've told you so many times, tried to give you a look into my brain so you might at least understand and yet you still like me. You are the sweetest person I know. So caring and yet it hurts to speak to you because I know we can't be together. Maybe not even if you were closer. Because of who I am. I wish I could change, for you, for myself. You tell me how amazing I am but every time you say that I feel more broken. because I know I am not. I know where I come from. That what apparently makes me amazing, is also what has broken me on the inside. It's all a lie. I am a lie. My niceness is just because I hope you don't...

Every compliment hits me It moves me, in a good way The bright smile on your face makes me smile Everything that pains you a little, breaks my heart You make me feel Every slightest bit you show Every bit of compassion, joy and care I keep myself from falling Because we do not have the same foundation And I want to know all the differences In my eyes you are something floating in space I do not see the connections yet Why you do what you do What moves you What makes you, you It is all so vague to me My fears Worries Everything Withholds myself from falling Before I know I need to know To some extend. Just tell me everything you want Show me all of you Be intense Show me How the world looks through your eyes You would be good for me But yet so bad at the same time You are the best thing ever, but I am too scared, concidering everything Being just friends will hurt you Being more would lay more responsibilities on me Which I am not sure of I can fulfill The conditions now are so dire We ...

Ik ben de enige constrictie van mezelf Niemand boeit het iets. Doe lekker wat je zelf wil Gevangen in wat anderen van me zouden verwachten Gevangen in eigen gedachtenconstructies Vast in mezelf

Your sweet talk makes me gag, The husky voice that tries to pursuade me does all sorts of things to me, Except for, I think, what it should. You say you love me and I've told you many times before, I don't. I thought I missed you, hell, I was wrong. One thing you both, heck, maybe you all have in common: You make me feel unsafe, scared. I can't shake the feeling you want something from me. I feel cornered. Although the idea of people liking me is very flattering, I can't handle it at certain times. We owe each other nothing  and yet I feel like I do. I feel rude ignoring you, or telling you to stop. And yet you don't listen. I even almost punched you in the face but I put it off as a joke, because i don't know what I would've done else. Scared little me is back to play. Such fun

I try to keep up Say that im better than i used to be But that doesnt mean it's great now That my mind ended the nagging Makes the lies reality Need to keep telling myself things I don't believe But sometimes see as truth. Because apparently it is And i want to believe it so badly I am loved I am cared for Im not a bother People like me I can take up my own space Because I am allowed to be here To live I am a good friend I care for my friends People like meeting me and talking with me I am allowed to be

I want to cry But it only makes me sadder I want to scream But it only makes me more mad Mad at myself Mad at my inability to accept myself Sad about all the lost time I couldnt motivate myself Lost in the maze of now, the past and the future The wants and the what ifs Of wanting to let go, But can't  When i feel like this It feels like its never going to end I know exactly what happens but have no solution 'Just learn to deal with it Just learn to live with it' I just can't  I cant explain Just feel Intense anxiety For nothing in particular  And then i think about why i am anxious When I find nothing I automatically fill it in With the most random things That's why I enjoy almost nothing Everything Becomes a weak point Dangerous Not good enough I just wish I was something different I just wish I was someone different

I feel like a string, being pulled, Shivering every second I'm being touched No relief No relaxation Getting higher Until I Break

Thought patterns can be like drugs Once you're hooked it's so hard to get rid of Addicting, constantly bugging And in the end you really want to stop But also so different Some can be disguised as defencemechanisms So there's all these lies That are so real And it is isolating Distanced as you feel Selfworth deflating   So similar yet something else Both way too shitty To even exist  And yes. I confess I am addicted to some thought patterns

I've lost my touch With the people around The connection we had, fragile Is disappearing before my eyes The feeling, my empathy, gone. Like I'm isolating myself But not on purpose I miss that I don't know What to ask, how to get to people The true interest I had in them

Gevangen in zoveel kleur Gebroken, gladgevijld Nooit vast in sleur Steen door de ruit gekeild Zwart wit grijs Golft naar binnen Wat is wijsheid, Moet ik wéér opnieuw beginnen? Weer bouwen, weer vertrouwen Alles veranderen En hoop houden Dat rust mag terugkeren Liever deze chaos Dan betonnen platen Graag kleur delen Dan mezelf te kelen Want glas is om door te kijken Te laten zien, licht naar binnen te laten komen Maar het is niet wat ik verdien

The question that can rule your life, how to stay awake, in the moment, caring Forgetting what you want, never even knowing it It's reasoned, most of 'what do they expect' What would they want, what do I fear Anger, disappointment, or maybe worse, disapproval? It doesn't make sense, but it rules my life. But when I stop this nonsense, how else should I think? What makes them happy vs what makes me happy? But what does? The food I eat, I like, get energy from, but it doesn't make me happy The art I make, is only to pass time nicely. The texts I write are only for my mind to calm down, School, I only go to, because it suits me, and I want to have a certificate. The people I meet, just to get some conversation. I don't know what makes me happy. Have I ever been? Just a few moments, glimpses, ideas. It scares me that ideas give me more happiness than the actual things. I guess I need to have some more christmas spirit, aka wine or liquor. L...

When I touch, I want to feel My own or yours, it doesn't matter When I see, I want to heal The happiness that's now shattered The nerves you have, the way you act I hope it's all too real Please, let me know If it's true, that I can let myself feel Give me a sign, that you want more Just for me to be sure. We just aren't, I think Whatever happens, Thank you, for giving me hope. Helping me further, without you knowing. Xoxo

In de stilte, hoor ik spreken over mijn gebrokenheid en gebreken maar in plaats van het vullen hoop ik ook die stem te verhullen. Vermijden werkt maar even, loopt uit op schudden en beven. Voor vandaag is het oke morgen of overmorgen deal ik er wel mee. Echt stilte leren zoeken desnoods en alle hoeken en boeken Op zoek naar Zijn stem en vrede opdat het onze relatie moge smeden.

Wat is het leven toch mooi met al dat gezooi en geflikflooi Het zou zo fantastisch moeten zijn zo veilig en fijn Waar het bij anderen te makkelijk gaat, kom ik niet eens bij stap één Ach ja, dan eindig ik maar alleen. Liever alleen met Hem dan met z'n twee, is mijn angst toch nog ergens goed voor. Er verandert nu zo veel, misschien verbaas ik mezelf nog eens.

Ticking, slowly Stealing sanity away Do I find this fun Or is this some pretend, A yellow fog, Of liquid and vast Although I stay happy No way to escape But it's okay I've agreed to this Hope it's over soon I'll be on my own But not  alone

So much pain And desperation Can lay in a word Hope and lost, So close together Are in six letters Time and space Stories, untold Forgotten Tears, anger, hate The time we have And we don't, Cold eyes, closed off Lost, piece by piece By not just one person All around... Cancer

Start after it ends It drives me crazy Mocks me, you could've done better I choose not to listen But it crashes me soon anyway 'You're behind on everything', it whispers, makes my heartrate fly up Lists of things, incomplete Fly through my head, there's no end I breathe and tickle Till it goes away a bit Will have forgotten this tomorrow Better days feel as lies now

Grasping, releasing Letting free and contain Like wind breezes Thoughts framed Confusion about recognition, Too shy to ask Wine clouded mind Life is such a task Should I share this Or shouldn't I have said this It all doesn't matter Life is such a mess A nice mess sometimes though

My thoughts filled with what if I did? or what if I would? Every alternate reality Tickling eyes Too good at pretend even if I don't Neat and tidy appearance while chaos overflows In so much pain while nobody knows I'm so much better at hiding than I ever thought

Streaks of gold, Molten into rings Links to the past Last for so long Strong and mighty Lightly walk my feet Lead me in Your steps Kept me safe, forever

So many sides of me Undiscovered I'm starting to see How much I got to offer Please don't let this be just a high Before a low, Awesomeness just in sight That live's gotta show

It's so good to be cared for It's so lovely to be truely welcome somewhere It's wonderful to come home

The expectations of life Of others, of myself You'd think I'd know myself After 20 years of rumination I don't have enough energy for anything And nobody seems to get it. Choose between mental health And fitting in, making new friends Why does life exist mostly of partying Or getting money to go celebrate Stop with the loud noises Enjoy the calmth of your own company

note to self: Fuck expectations Let me do my thing and you see the best Lyra, Whoever she is. Don't force me, I do that enough myself If I want to stay at home, Let me. There's a good reason for. I only try to make living bearable, Don't ruin it. Please

Leuk zo'n individualistische maatschappij Alles wordt alsnog gedaan voor de vleierij Werp een blik op straat, en je ziet direct Dat iedereen hetzelfde draagt, en het lekt Tuurlijk doe ik ook mee, maar ben het zat Al de overdreven vrolijkheid, afgemat Het stigma dat je altijd maar moet genieten Maar dan wel iets missen verbieden Vreemd is normaal, maar te vreemd is gestoord Creativiteit aangespoord, maar snel ook vermoord Balans is de sleutel tot zoveel, altijd maar grijs Geef mij nu eens zwart wit, hard op hard, een lijst En dat zijn slechts alle zichtbare dingen, Mijn verstand probeert het te verdringen Alles wat onmogelijk is of lijkt, op achterloop Door eerdere struggles of angst, weg de hoop Een normaal leven? Is niet mogelijk, maar Waarom bestaat er een norm in een wereld draait om uniek zijn, de gelukkigste, hier en daar Maar toch allemaal in een mal smolt

I've spotted you In just a tiny glance, I see the differences in your face When someone says something That hurt you But you kept your mouth shut The tiny cracks on your mask Quickly polished I hear a laugh, Masks are put back on It's like living in a play Like I'm the only one Without lines. It's all so flat, Show me your real face What you love, what you hate Let me see what you see Let me feel what you feel Let me drown in your excitement Let me feel safe

Every nook and cranny Looks like it's going to get me Every eye staring my way Like you're ready to say All the possible scenarios Played out in my head Overwhelmed by possibilities While not able to do necessities My muscles, ready to run Back pain, stomach aches Feet ready to trip Resting bitch face activated All for this tiny chance And the bet that I'll be recognized Please don't

I tell a story, You tell one too That doesn't mean I'm just like you I try to be honest I try to understand To be able to communicate To make it easier to maybe become friends You ain't like me Can't you just see. It's my way to connect, It's just a tiny piece disected Too much you don't know More that will never see daylight Mostly because I can't explain All the randomness in my stupid brain

Excited, ik vermijd het het verliezen van de vrijheid de constante beklemming Zonder enige bestemming Vreten en vergeten Al dat kostelijke eten Het vergaarde niet aanvaarden Wat eenvoudigjes verklaarde Verlegen en vertederd Als ik eventjes niet oplet Het verlagen van de muren Duurt seconden of toch uren Laat me toch los lopen Want dit valt niet te verkopen Zelfs voor gratis niet te slijten Dan begint het toch te smijten Gore woorden, vieze blikken Is door niemand goed te slikken Mooi van buiten, afgrijslijk van binnen Door niets of niemand te beminnen

My head, spookin around Finds the monsters under my bed, The ghosts in my closet. Lets the silver rivers flow I fill the room with sound, happiness and company But dreams stay nightmares A twisted fairytale

Ik slaap, sluimer, sleur Haastige voetstappen Bijna verstrikt, verval Dicht slaat een deur Een aantal grote klappen Ik struikel, en val... Wakker, opstaan, weggaan Motivatie verdwenen Je gezicht vol licht Blijdschap gaat aan Mijn ogen vermeden Ik val, vol op mn gezicht

Ik ben bang voor mn zelfverzekerdheid. Het maakt me stom, roekeloos. Angst maakt dat ik om anderen denk, minder dingen vergeet. Ik probeer er al zo lang af te komen, maar heb er teveel voordelen van. Ik zal mn leven lang strijden tegen iets dat ik niet kwijt wil.

Jij, zo verschrikkelijk zelfverzekerd of boeit het je niet? doodsbang, doodnormaal jouw vrijheid, zo gehaat, zo gevraagd haalt me ondersteboven zo intens saai moet ik zijn in je ogen zo preuts, angstig maar toch

Mijn hart bonst te luid Misschien van het idee Dat ik je zie als ik mijn ogen sluit De paniek van de on-gedane dingen De kansen en de keren Ik zou je willen zoenen Gewoon om te proberen Maar ik kan het niet Te laf. Te bang Te dealen met de concequenties Maar dat ik je nu aanspreek Wat moet je niet van me denken Zo gereserveerd, zo afgeschermd Ik zou het snappen als je er niet meer mee zou willen dealen Ik mis je Vooral de kans die we hadden De alternatieve realiteit Met fundamenteel verschil Het spijt me

Hey tiny human, since the moment I held you, I got unstable. I've tried to figure out why ever since. Maybe it's because you're so tiny, fragile. A start of a new life, with so much potential. A life filled with good things and inevitably. Maybe it's the hormones, or pheromones,  when it appears that humans have those. That human instinct kicks in, when you see such a tiny human. Or maybe you remind me of the loss from 1,5 years ago, something that could've been your brother or sister. Luna https://misspelledlike.deviantart.com/art/Hey-little-one-659027521

Een gebouw vol mislukkelingen die met man en macht het kleine beetje eigenwaarde proberen hoog te houden. Een wereld gevuld met ongelukkige mensen in die vicieuze cirkel die zichzelf en anderen ruineren Op zoek naar rust, op zoek naar een doel. Maar doelen kosten werk en vermoeren rust. Ze lijken niet samen te gaan. We hoeven niet de beste te zijn. Geef maar gewoon toe dat jij ook je demonen hebt, stuk bent Kom tot rust. Geloof in Jezus. Hij heeft het doel allang gehaald.

Een zachte fluistering rolt langs mijn nek kantel mijn hoofd sluit de ogen een rilling over rug rinkelende oorbellen diepe zucht en ontspan verlies mijn focus hoor niet wat er gezegd wordt leeg hoofd maar tegelijk overspoelt de paar woorden die ik hoor overtuigen dat er niets is gemist geen nut tot gedwongen focus dus ik schrijf.

Waarom heb je vrienden? Om niet eenzaam te worden? Voor de gezelligheid? Omdat het automatisch gebeurt? Of is het stiekem omdat je weet dat je complimentjes van hen gaat krijgen, omdat ze een hoge dunk van je hebben? Er zijn zo veel vragen die ik graag van iedereen zou willen weten. Onder andere de eerder gestelde vragen. Niet om te bepalen of je een goed mens bent of niet, nee. Eerder om een idee te krijgen hoe je denkt. Dit maakt het makkelijker voor mij om met jou te communiceren. Als het dan een keer over diepe dingen gaat, kan ik een beetje peilen wat je interessant vindt, als je iets vertelt, dat ik je gedachtengangen goed kan volgen. Waarom je doet zoals je doet.  Het enige referentiekader dat je hebt is namelijk jezelf. Ik heb dat liever niet, en dit is de best mogelijke oplossing voor mij. Ik denk namelijk graag om anderen. 'oh, super nobel van je'. Nee, dat is het niet. Het is het voorkomen van in mezelf opgesloten zijn, egoïstisch worden.  Ondanks alles...

Wat maakt dat ik me gewaardeerd voel? Wat maakt mij mezelf? Heb ik ooit iemand voluit liefgehad? Ben ik uberhaupt in staat lief te hebben? Leef ik mijn leven wel werkelijk voor mezelf, en niet voor anderen? Allemaal vragen waar ik weinig antwoorden voor heb of bang ben voor de antwoorden. Zie je, weer het woord bang. Angsthaas.  Maar als je angst hebt, betekent dat de liefde niet compleet in me kan werken (1 joh 4:18). Houden mijn angsten me van de liefde van iedereen af? En zo ja, hoe kan ik deze angsten overwinnen? Ze zijn er al zo lang, alsof ze een deel van me zijn. Ze een voor een, beetje voor beetje overwinnen is de tactiek tot nu toe geweest. Stressvol, en de laatste tijd vaak terugvallers, maar er is enigzins progressie. En nee. Dit is niet iets dat pas n maandje speelt, helaas is er niet echt een tijd aan te wijzen. Ik ben altijd al snel angstig geweest, maar wist het goed te verbergen. Dat deed ik, als jongste in het gezin zijnde, om maar niet als zwa...

Alles wat ik schrijf komt neer op hetzelfde. De oude problemen blijven voor mij even sterk als eerst, het went nooit. Dat mocht ik willen. Maar voor de rest van de wereld went het wel. Het meisje met angstproblemen, stressproblemen, en waar ik het vaak niet over heb, de 'down' momenten. De momenten wanneer ik me compleet alleen voel, een golf paniek die me overstroomt. Het oude liedje, waar zowat al mijn gedichten over gaan, want dat is het moment dat ik vaak schrijf. Ik mag wel eens andere dingen gaan delen. Of heb ik niets anders te delen? Heb ik geen interessante kanten, behalve mijn angsten, paniek en eenzaamheid? Tja, heb eigenlijk geen idee. Ik vind het leuk om te tekenen, maar alles wat ik teken is nagetekend. Niets origineels. Ik word wel eens slim genoemd, maar dat is een kwestie van je mond houden over dingen die je niet weet, wat ook een tactiek is om weinig fouten te maken. Ik word ook wel eens mooi genoemd. Het lastige van 'mooi' zijn is dat het zo ve...

Soms Voel je je alleen In een wereld vol mensen Soms Voel je je anders Dan iedereen om je heen Soms Wil je alleen zijn Dat niemand je kan zien Vaak Kan je boos worden Om al het onrecht om je heen Vaak Is er zo veel ruis Dat je het belangrijkste vergeet Vaak Is er zo veel stress Dat je het even niet meer weet Altijd Is er een stemmetje Die je vertelt door te gaan Altijd Is er een grote God Die je Papa of Vriend mag noemen Altijd Vergeeft Jezus jou Bij Hem mag je altijd thuis komen https://open.spotify.com/track/1kEptgkzLjEemt7hqbOtLv

The need to do Or want to do Are mostly not the same I want to learn and need to earn Society is to blame Need to be wanted Need to be needed Difference is love or gain want to be wanted Want to be needed Desperation and fame I just want what I need I want it to be the same. Mind and body, heart and soul Both have to be ashamed

Het springen van de een op andere gedachte Als hertjes in een veld Dat alleen dan niet vrolijk Forceren zich met geweld Stuur ik de een weg, de ander valt binnen Vrolijk met een twist Ik kan er niets tegen beginnen Het zoenen van de een Waarna die me uitlacht Het achtervolgd worden Ongezien in zijn macht Het houdt mijn adem vast Laat me adrenaline haten Het is hem die me laat geloven Dat mijn vrienden me hebben verlaten Mijn eigen onzichtbare vijand Fluistert dubbelzijdige dingen in Iets waar ik naar verlang Tot hij er een angst in vindt Hij breekt mij, laat me nooit gaan Vooral na iets leuks, komt hij er onverwacht weer aan. Laat me geloven dat vrolijkheid geen zin heeft Dat ik nergens plezier in vindt. Ik noem het mijn paranoia Waardoor ik niemand vertrouw Werkelijkheid vervormt in mijn hoofd Waardoor ik constant om mijn vrienden rouw.

Some things go too well No stress, less worries And then the after-stress kicks in Makes me feel so sick And doubt creeps back in Tries to drag me in The endless loops But tomorrow Everything might be fine again Breathe

Just when everything is going fine The doubt kicks in The paranoia comes back I can't trust any judgement Not even my own It nestles in between thoughts So silently, I sometimes don't even notice Its like a snake on a hunting mission When you notice, its too late to run. Nowhere to run to Never safe Because it's camouflaged Incorporated

Te leeg om te vergeten De lust om iets te weten Verontrust bewust Ik kus je zacht Wacht op mij Zeer verstoken Verstikt in lust Vergeet mij niet Zie ik verdwijn alweer Ik vraag om rust

De regels van mens en dier en natuur actie is reactie wat je omhoog gooit komt eens weer neer. Zo gebakken, het beste brood willen hebben Braaf is niet altijd best Liefde verandert geen kwaad voor kwaad vergeving maar geen wraak verbreekt zelfs natuurwetten en bouwt op Iets onmenselijks Goddelijk

Ik voel me niet koel, maar warm Alarmbellen rinkelen, geprent in inkt In mijn gedichten, fijn handschrift, delicaat Verplaatst van heden naar verleden, herinnering Verspringt naar beeld van weerspiegeling Een ding, gedachtefoto, wachten op ontwikkeling

Leven op wat je voelt, dichtbij. Alles woelt, maar ik voel me vrij. Altijd zorgen, altijd onrust Het oneindige gestunt Let altijd op wat ik zeg Maar als ik mijn hoofd Op je schouder leg, Het maakt niet uit, gedoofd Vuur, uitgebluste angst Dat me ont-vangt Zwarter zonder Maar wil nu even geen gedonder Misschien ooit, Vol goedheid, mijn onmogelijke vertrouwen ... Gewonnen is het niet Verkregen is onmogelijk Het is er gewoon.

Wat zou ik graag alles van me afgooien Alle maskers, alle filters, alle lagen Ik kan het niet aan. Overal een andere vorm van mezelf Wel mezelf, maar nooit de pure ik. Altijd een aangescherpte, lieve, wijze, scherpe, of onhandige versie. Het zijn muren, die ik probeer neer te halen. Maar de defensie is te sterk, komt weer op Zakt weer weg, als iedereen is verdwenen. Probeer het keer op keer Maar weiger medelijden te ontvangen. Want velen hebben het erger, Ik voel me stuk om niets. Ik laat wel ik zien Maar niet alles Misschien voel ik me ooit thuis bij iemand Ooit

De liefde ben ik zat Het concept, de uitvoering De neerbuigendheid Te hoog ligt de lat Vertrouwen heb ik er niet in Van deze hoop neem ik even afscheid

Op vallen de noten geschoten, gesmeerd Als pindakaas, hagelslag Voert je mee op de wolken Vervolgen, verzwolgen Zwelt aan, vertelt, Verhalen hier van daan Van tijden geleden Heden, toe komt Verstomd, ver traag Eindigt met een klap Of een sisser

Porselein in een wereld van steen Besta nu meer uit lijm dan gebroken stukken. Gruis Al het waardevolle dat ik ooit bezat is weggevloeid, heeft geen kans gehad te rijpen. Cynisch eigenlijk dat ik zo goed ben in het wegstoppen en oppotten van problemen, terwijl ik zelf compleet gebroken ben geweest. Ik ben heel, gemaakt, ik kan functioneren. Voel me beter dan hoe ik me een poos terug voelde, Ik verf laagjes over de gebroken stukken, bedek ze, ze hoeven niet meer te bestaan. Bouw door op wat ik heb. Maar soms. Het lijkt of alleen de scherven nog bestaan, alles valt uit elkaar. Pure wanhoop, Complete onbegrip van ieder om me heen. Het is niet nuttig niet nodig er vloeit niets meer uit mijn vingers voort terwijl ik alles heb wat ik zou durven hopen de wereld draait, valt om soms durf ik nog te denken hopen dat ik er morgen niet meer ben

Zwevend in het midden Niet wetend wat te vinden Doorgaan, rennen Ik hang erboven Alsof mijn wens is uitgekomen Zonder het goede deel Verandering, je oude zelf verloochenen Ik wil het niet. Ook dat was ik. Het is nu niet beter, maar anders. Maar als je het anders wilde, waar was je?

Ik smolt voor je ogen, zo mooi Gevuld met glitter en regenbogen In een ogenblik was ik verkocht En weet ik dat je tot het kryptoniet behoort Zo direct ben ik aan je verknocht Sommigen hebben zo'n effect op me Gelukkig zag tot zo ver maar een stuk me staan 730 km hier vandaan Ik wordt dom, niet meer authentiek Zo ontzettend bang dat ik het iets Dat niet bestaat, verziek Niet meer voorzichtig, rem er dus op Verbruik al mn energie in een notendop Ondertussen stiekem geniet Van hoe mooi je eruit ziet

When i look into your eyes I see sparkles shine The hope, the dreams The past was clean The memory of you The ones I want to undo And remember the good times When you were there by my side When I look into your eyes I see long lost times Forgotten and forgiven Mad ways we're driven So we go on, our own ways Till we speak again someday Lets laugh and forget The paths that led us here

Een en een Is niet meer alleen Wonder, gedonder Het is bijzonder, Uniek Te kostbaar, Tot ik het verziek Maar alleen is Niet gegis, mis Zolang helderheid Het niet opgeeft Rustig, duidelijk Geen geschuil, Bang voor ruil Vervangbaar

Zou iemand me kunnen grijpen, vangen Mij beroven van al het verlangen, Mijn hart vullen, overgieten Zodat ik niet meer alleen sta Dat het oke is om eens uit te schieten Dat ik thuis ben, waarheen ik ook ga Laat zien wie ik ben Het grijze voor ogen geeft Zodat ik niet meer verdrink, inzink Want ik sta weer op die rand, verbrandt tot op de grond, ik ben beter af als ik spring, mezelf verlies. De wereld zou beter af zonder mij zijn. Nee, ikzelf zou beter af zijn. Want de hemel is iets onbereikbaars

ik ben de zee een kolkende stroom van vragen sijpelt overal tussendoor constant in beweging het doet niet meer iets met een deuk en een beetje boter verschijnt en verdwijnt in een ogenblik maar daar, in een kiertje blijft het toch staan bederft, vertroebelt verwoestend, of juist tot leven strooi zout in je wonden lest je dorst, voor heel even maar breekt je in je kwetsbaarheid ze zien eilandjes, vergeten zee zien het als obstakel, struikelblok het pad, het constante geen prioriteit

Zo lang geleden Gestreden, vermeden Aangepast, vervreemd Mezelf kwijt Of juist het filter Blik vol geschilfer Zelfverwijt Bloed, ik vergiet Mijn eigen verdriet Kapot, compleet versneden Je kent mijn verleden Door je vermeden Niemands prioriteit

Beauty isn't something to hold on to To comprehend And only useful to some extent It's oh so relative You can't mesure it, It's a matter of perception Every bit There's not much use To make yourself believe You're so beautiful Not many even notice Isn't that a relief? There are some tricks To getting more attention But is that what you want? You'll lose every drop of respect If you measure beauty You can't take people seriously. Because if you're beautiful, stupid And ugly means nerd or worse Discussing beauty mostly hurts things. And I'm not even talking about rivalry

Ik zie hoe het is Als ik ga klagen Dan wordt het een list Als ik ga vragen Is het uiteindelijk toch mijn schuld Dramatisch, verpestend Heb je zo veel verteld Stilte is kwetsend Onze vriendschap is geteld Ironisch eigenlijk dat wat ik deel Hetgeen wat me kwelt Maakt dat je me keelt Is wat me smelt In twijfel en geruzie Vertel me wat je denkt Wat je voelt, geen illusie Zodat twijfel me niet meer overschenkt Maar deze leegheid Teveel ruimte voor wantrouwen Eigen denkbeeldigheid Ik ga alvast rouwen

Zachte fluisteringen Alles zal goed zijn Beter zijn, zolang je luistert Ken je goed, als mezelf Behoed je voor jezelf Als je kijkt, hoort, ruikt Zal je de wereld laten zien Alle dimensies, opties, gevolgen Alsof het echt gebeurt is Laat me je lijden, ofnee leiden Voor even, zal zo veel leren Ik ben jou Maar zonder me zo anders Vervangt de schaterlach tegen Al het gescheld, gevloek Dat je nooit echt zal horen Voorkom en veroorzaak Positief voor buiten, voor even Hartbrekend, verterend binnen Hoop en het opgegeven hebben Hand in hand Ijzersterk, een tere roos

Panic over nothing Like you explode And feel empty at the same time Constant fight Continues freight No one to show the light Lonely in the midst of people Failure while doing fine Not doing enough while overwork Hopeless

twee is één met mezelf nooit alleen ijzer en leem grijnst, grinnikt rolt, stuitert omgevallen, verbrijzelt alles in zn spoor zucht, paniekt lijmt, vormt kapot, leeggelopen een emmer vol dromen kietelt eens hier port eens daar alles op zijn kop nooit klaar beste vriend schimmige kennis iets toevalligs keihard ik val, probeer te grijpen kan niet weg gevallen, gevangen tevergeefs wachten op de lift áls ik schreeuw, gil en zie, iemand, gooit een touw laat het vallen, verdwijnt

The fight between good and bad Can I ever feel good Is it okay What is what someone tell me All the colors Where's black White's disappeared Peace is gone What's matter Rippling through layers To die for

I look in your eyes Yours don't meet mine Living in a world Without that shine I see stubbornness To play the role You fought for To death and beyond For what? All a play Stuck here Like I can see more than most Sometimes I want to shake Everyone awake But they're gone Way too far

I want to be open About my problems I've seen my fair share of people who might help But sometimes I fall back I've come so far Some things are easy for you But give me problems, Don't give advice on something I had plenty of help with On something you know nothing of This is why I don't tell people my problems Because it's so easy to judge On things you don't know how hard they can be On things I've judged myself for That I was overreacting I still feel that way, You shouldn't I shouldn't either Cope with it not push away Because I've done that For way too long

Het verlamt me Op manieren die onbeschrijflijk zijn. Vastgepind Fysiek en mentaal Geen uitweg uit de oneindige cirkels Niemand om mee te praten. Daar zorgen ze wel voor. Ingebouwd, ingeklemd Ademnood Overweldigd door iets Onbekend, ongenoemd Gooit me neer In een diepe put Twijfel aan alles Niets is meer zeker Je zou bijna dingen breken

Wanneer ik met je praat Alsof mijn hart een slag overslaat Verlangen doet naar verloren tijden Zal ik me verblijden Mijn blik valt op je En glijdt er zo weer af Te kostbaar, meer dan ik ooit verdien O, waarom ben ik zo laf Je arm om mijn schouder Tranen vloeien uit mijn ogen Kijk niet, doe niets, loop weg Ik verdien geen mededogen Al zeg je niets, aanwezig Vindt de dingen prachtig Die ik ooit hoop te aanvaarden Maakt me krachtig De hoop zal altijd blijven Maar reden gaat niet verloren Niet eens, maar wanneer weer Misschien een uitverkoren

Give me Your peace Your never ending calmth Show me that I'm on the right path please tell me that my effort is worth is. Tell me that I'm chosen I beg of you, I would be free. Free to be happy and live without worries to endure everything that will come to hold on to You. To be slave for this life capable because of what will come. This world is condemned we would die without Your grace without the mercy of Jesus Christ. Surpress my ego because I can't on my own, Calm my lust because I'll collapse Erase my jealousy because it drives me away from You. Calm my mind, fade my stress warm my heart for Your plan. So I can fight for You and help others.