I'm too much an enigma To even understand myself I'm trying my best to take care of me Whatever version is live now. Apparently this one needs nobody No responsibilities Just existing  And trying to enjoy I always forget there's other versions of me There are too many to count They all need something or somebody else I hoped I would be ready But I'm not. I cannot take good care of me. I need to learn that first.

The past few weeks have been lovely. Really But I've been dumb.  Wishing I just could do it all.  I'm sorry I compromised too much, instead of doing what I knew or should've known was better. I'm sorry to you, but also to myself. I can't pretend I'm well and just go through,  I will crash. Luckily I have the time and space to probably get this better I'm sorry that I can't involve you in this. I just want to make you as happy as you make me sometimes. I just go too far for the people I care about. It's my Achilles's heel.  Because it's mostly happening in my subconscious, It's hard to grasp when I'm doing something for me, or for someone else I'm afraid, I hardly do anything for myself. Even after years, I still don't know what ultimately makes me happy It changes It differs too much, every day, every hour.  Just like my mood.  There's just too much to think, too much to do, too much to maybe not annoy someone. 

I cannot sleep You keep me up Also, you're better for me than I notice myself,  Than I want to admit to myself. And also, I cannot shut up about you That is maybe a sign You make me conflicted but also so nice Some kisses are like magic Endorphins I usually hardly feel. It's very overwhelming at times But it makes me feel normal, included I hope I can learn to read myself better I do, every day, more and more You are a blessing, who I don't understand But also get so well I hope I can keep thinking rational And not retreat in anxiety in bad times I hope I won't lose you I just have to remember,  things are much less important than I think.  And everything will be alright