one more braindump

The past few weeks have been lovely. Really

But I've been dumb. 

Wishing I just could do it all. 

I'm sorry I compromised too much, instead of doing what I knew or should've known was better.

I'm sorry to you, but also to myself.

I can't pretend I'm well and just go through, 

I will crash.

Luckily I have the time and space to probably get this better

I'm sorry that I can't involve you in this.

I just want to make you as happy as you make me sometimes.

I just go too far for the people I care about.

It's my Achilles's heel. 

Because it's mostly happening in my subconscious,

It's hard to grasp when I'm doing something for me, or for someone else

I'm afraid, I hardly do anything for myself.

Even after years, I still don't know what ultimately makes me happy

It changes

It differs too much, every day, every hour. 

Just like my mood. 

There's just too much to think, too much to do, too much to maybe not annoy someone.