I'm way more of a romantic than I try to show. Because I've never been bold enough to fall in love. I have way too hard of a time trusting people, what do you want, I hardly ever trust myself. Maybe someday. Someday has become more realistic as of lately. I'm just too scared to... maybe, ruin a friendship? I just don't fucking know how this shit works I'm still figuring out to see myself in a good way, to not feel bad after some conversations and talks. I'm already happy it's not every conversation anymore also I know way too well how to mentally selfharm. I try not to do it anymore, but it's just way too easy. Can't I just watch one romantic movie and just enjoy? Not feel jealous, not feel the pain in my heart of missing out, that I'm scared I can never trust someone like that? I know it's mostly moviemagic, but maybe that makes it worse. The unrealistic standards it sets might make it more effective. Anyway, I just try to stay focussed on t...

Maybe I'm just way too used, to adapting to other people in conversations, in what I can sense would please them. Maybe it's also the reason I want to know a lot of things Mostly just the basics, but if you know the basics of most things about you, about me, about how you came to be you, but also just a variation of things, hobbies, crafts, tastes, you can always find topics to talk about. With anyone. Maybe I'm like this, because I don't know how to make myself happy, what I like to do and find space to talk about that. Maybe I try to make up for this, by trying to make others happy, give them a space to talk. And I know, it's not this black and white anymore. I do experiment with this topic from time to time, It's just too easy to feel like I've failed. I'm getting better at not doing that. Maybe someday I can see myself like others do, or maybe someday I can just be happy with myself. At least for now, I'm okay to be me, that's already amazing...

I'm tired I'm hot And I know my mind isn't in a good place Why  How I don't really know? It's the tiny things The shadows I get distracted by The weird thoughts, that pop up That tell me, watch out. So the answer to how am I Is not simple at all today As my brain is shifting all it's attention To everything I'm insecure about Don't really what to do As talking doesn't really help And I'm not sure writing does either I guess I just need some sleep I just hope that this time I don't end up isolating myself Again.

Calmth Silence Nothing left to do for today. Except to just chill out and enjoy myself. Let's hope that the after stress won't suck this summer. Although, I've taken better care of myself.  It's not perfect, but at least better. I've learnt to be proud of things. I hardly am proud of things. Except of some of my art. I've also learnt to be proud of the small things.  The tiny things to overcome, that can feel so enormous. I'm not completely there yet. But at least I'm growing.  Hopefully at some point I can actually believe that people like me. Because I simply don't understand.  It feels like my brain gives off an error code. Let's hope I don't panic next time.  So I maybe have a chance

Why don't I care for me, Why do I feel so insignificant, That I should care for everyone, but myself That it's not okay To only think about me for once. Why do I always take others into consideration To the point that it ruins all meetings and conversations for me. I should be able to be me, Whatever the fuck that even means. It's the reason I cannot accept that I'm liked. That I cannot enjoy hosting a party, Because I'm a people pleaser So much that I concider myself nothing. Worth giving up to save someone else. Most people please others to feel acknowledged, significant. I do it because I'll tear myself down if I don't, And even then I keep doing it.  Not on purpose, but because it's how my brain is constructed. Why have I such a hard time, telling others that I feel terrible, That I panic, but I can't when there's people around. That my stress stomach ache sucks the life out of me. Because I'll feel that I'm a burden. Not worth to be ...

Why does it seem so effortless Like not every word that gets spoken Costs half a day To be honest About feelings even though you're not sure about them

What gives someone the courage  or the entitlement to speak up While others shut their mouth  and decide to fix themselves later. Am I just letting people step on me Or are others just so selfish? Or do I just care too much About them Or too little  About me?