I'm scared I feel more than he feels I cannot let him go in my mind today Nothing helps. I hate that I get so attached.  Is this how it feels like to be in love?  With someone that is distracted so quickly, Responds so late,  How will I survive But when we meet... His eyes, his hugs, his kisses, It tells me something completely different. Such mixed messages.  But it's not bad to have time for myself.  At least he doesn't want attention all the time.  Honestly, that's exhausting I don't know what I want I don't know what will help. I'll figure it out. It's just a little new.  It does give me time to plan  Next time, I'll be prepared

To feel trapped, with no way out By your own feelings To just want all these things, Love to play with feelings, thoughts, touches And all you think is, this is bad. It will hurt Others. It's wrong. Bad. Not good. A sin. Your mind technically tells you: 'You are wrong. There is something wrong with you.  You're not supposed to be this way. You should be  nice. Only that way others will like you, are you  going to be accepted, will you find true happiness.' And yet. The only one I hurt most In all this time Is myself. By not fighting but complying.  It seemed easier.  Just to let others decide your boundaries and your likes. To what is supposed to be right.  But that is no way of living. That's being lived.  Learning to be constricted by yourself While I could do anything, if I just tapped into this confidence.  If I just feel the strenght I actually have If I accept myself for who I am or want to try to be I could rule the world

I now remember I loved to play the villain When I was younger To be locked up under the slide, Waiting for a chance to sneak out and  make the game more mischievous and fun I don't mind playing games, But mostly I'll just play my opponent Be daring, making it emotionally more fun Maybe I just like to play with people Or maybe I love to be played with Where did I get all that trust broken, Trust in others but mostly in myself Why did I lose the joy about being mischievous, Maybe I thought it was bad Is it though? Maybe I've been taught That you shouldn't be happy with doing 'bad' things. Messing around, confusing people But if it's not harmful, if you're just playing, Shouldn't that be okay? Now I'm winning from the anxiety,  I find a whole part of me That always was there, it was just too scared to show I've missed this. The confidence it gives me It makes me feel myself. Alive

All I want to do is apologise That I'm not stronger, that I cannot be the rock I want to be not tactical with my words I fuck myself over every time honestly I'm so scared to lose everything we had how little or how much it even was I'm so stuck, It almost wants me to give up on getting close to people Because it hurts so much when I'm feeling bad And there's no solution none Ive tried every healthy option It breaks me every time it happens I dont want to think bad about myself or others, and yet, it happens every month, at some point   Talking doesn't really help either.  And it's the same every month So eventually talking has no use anymore   I don't want anything. Not even hugs.  I feel weak, that I cannot even handle my own brain It fucks up so many things, if I'm not careful These are the days I'm bordering not wanting to live anymore again. Which I would be never able to, honestly. I really hope this weekend is going to be great.  Shouldn...