My mind goes wild Over everything and nothing I can keep it inside But it'll keep me stirring My body is so restless, I can't even sit still I break my fingers, just to have time to kill My stomach tense, my jaws clenched Hungry and sick simultaneously  Why this revenge It has no means Breaks my mind and energy I'm so depleted And why, you ask?  Probably because I don't know how the next weeks are going to be. But I'm not even sure.  It could be many things. Even the 3 calls and class startup tomorrow...  I Just Have No Clue. And nothing to resolve it with Except for waiting For this day to be over

At least one thing is good now I feel I am With way less of others (fake) opinions floating in my mind Have the space to say to myself,  No, not today And actually being okay If some things don't work out It's a much smaller world, Still complicated enough But with less noise Although it's still rough The hundred strangers you pass The thousand opportunities Have been brought back to a few And now you can even pick yourself Or be chosen, it's so new A new world, A new space Let's fall into it's depth And embrace Of course There's still hurt, even amplified But let's not forget There's still a good side

What would you want, What did I forget Why am I bad Why can't I do this, Think of that more, Why aren't I just perfect? You triggered them again,  I, too weak and tired to hold it back, To outreason you, on my own. I know, the thoughtpatterns I explained, It hurts you to know, you don't want to blame yourself  To go under by your selfpity And yet, you know how they work, And you dare to criticize, to meddle even though I let you know,  Stop You know I'm tired, that I have hardly energy at all And then you say I spend most of my time on myself, in such a condecending tone. I've worked so hard to be okay with that, To take better care of me, To even be okay with myself. I'm glad I usually don't live here anymore. How did I survive this my whole childhood I'm glad we talked this through, I'll just need some time, I hope you give me that much. Thanks mom

My heart 's racing, my breath is chasing it around and around and there's no sound but outbursts, of outbursts and protective sneering or inbursts lurking around the corner, driving me insane, making me confused because I usually interpret things okay but it's all so black so negative, so instinctive and primitive, almost like it's survival kicking in. But what for? 

I know you care. At least I knew a few weeks back, when I saw you, when I hugged you last. You told me you cared and would be there. Just in a few weeks This feeling is gone,  Something keeps telling me Not even to hold on To forget about all the good The care and the love Because who spoke to you Who tried to stay in contact? I know it's a few, but yet My fucked up mind shapes it Like nobody cares And fishes up all reasons why they wouldn't Why I'm not worth that. I'm trying to keep them away,  Because I know it's lies It's just now holding on for so long That I'm afraid I'm going to believe it...