I cannot do anything else Than to interpret To guess To know everything that might happen It's what happens If you got scolded for forgetting the tiniest detail To want to do something yourself But get told I should've asked. It would've been prettier/better/more properly made I cannot do anything different Than to calculate the most efficient way To walk on my toes with anyone To not be a burden

Having anxiety is living in a completely different world Protecting yourself,  Seeing everyone and everything as a threat Even if something has not even happened yet Or might never even happen It might not even be possible. Going back and forth on it is draining Sometimes I don't even notice directly It's a different way of thinking Subconscious, most of it you don't even have influence on One thing that's usually why I notice, I get very negative on myself My appearance or actions I'm glad I don't live this anymore Not everyday. Just... Sometimes

I've just come to realise That how I used to be is bad It's a miracle I'm still here alive I've always downtalked it Held most crashes to myself I just want to be better. But God It was bad. That's not even a good word for it Stuck Stuck in myself, confined I really want to come to terms with it I think it's time to own up to how horrid it was I used to pray so much For God to take me away I just don't know how to communicate it Everyone I talk to about it, I don't want to worry them. Maybe I should.  I'm too strong for my own good. I'm done w that

 In some twisted way, you forget where you come from how bad it used to be. In some ways it's good, it makes us less sad of the past.  But goodness. I shouldn't be sad of what I have not learnt yet I've come so so fucking far, more than I realised myself.

Somewhere I'm very frustrated Maybe it's the two night of terrifying nightmares But I want to feel Something I want to hurt It's so hard not to fall into old habits This weekend is maybe gonna be hell The stomach pain The tension through my whole fucking body Being trapped in the world, the systems, ideas, myself Caught in myself I thought I was doing better I am  doing better It's just back again. I'll survive. I just hope I don't lose almost everyone around me Because it makes me such a bore