Paralyzed

All I want to do is apologise

That I'm not stronger,

that I cannot be the rock I want to be

not tactical with my words

I fuck myself over every time

honestly

I'm so scared

to lose everything we had

how little or how much it even was

I'm so stuck,

It almost wants me to give up on getting close to people

Because it hurts

so much

when I'm feeling bad

And there's no solution

none

Ive tried every healthy option

It breaks me every time it happens

I dont want to think bad about myself or others,

and yet, it happens every month,

at some point

 

Talking doesn't really help either. 

And it's the same

every month

So eventually talking has no use anymore

 

I don't want anything. Not even hugs. 

I feel weak, that I cannot even handle my own brain

It fucks up so many things, if I'm not careful

These are the days I'm bordering not wanting to live anymore again.

Which I would be never able to, honestly.

I really hope this weekend is going to be great. 

Shouldn't think about it now

because I'm scared it's going to be empty.