the romantic I bury

I'm way more of a romantic than I try to show.

Because I've never been bold enough to fall in love.

I have way too hard of a time trusting people,

what do you want, I hardly ever trust myself.

Maybe someday.

Someday has become more realistic as of lately.

I'm just too scared to... maybe, ruin a friendship?

I just don't fucking know how this shit works

I'm still figuring out to see myself in a good way,

to not feel bad after some conversations and talks.

I'm already happy it's not every conversation anymore

also

I know way too well how to mentally selfharm.

I try not to do it anymore, but it's just way too easy.

Can't I just watch one romantic movie and just enjoy?

Not feel jealous, not feel the pain in my heart of missing out,

that I'm scared I can never trust someone like that?

I know it's mostly moviemagic, but maybe that makes it worse.

The unrealistic standards it sets might make it more effective.

Anyway,

I just try to stay focussed on trying to learn to be happy just with me,

because whatever will happen,

I'd have to live with myself anyways