Crumpled mess

I want to cry
But it only makes me sadder
I want to scream
But it only makes me more mad

Mad at myself
Mad at my inability to accept myself
Sad about all the lost time
I couldnt motivate myself

Lost in the maze of now, the past and the future
The wants and the what ifs
Of wanting to let go,

But can't 

When i feel like this
It feels like its never going to end
I know exactly what happens but have no solution
'Just learn to deal with it
Just learn to live with it'

I just can't 

I cant explain
Just feel
Intense anxiety
For nothing in particular 

And then i think about why i am anxious
When I find nothing I automatically fill it in
With the most random things

That's why I enjoy almost nothing

Everything
Becomes a weak point
Dangerous
Not good enough

I just wish I was something different
I just wish I was someone different