I am so sorry

What else can I tell you,
than that I'm sorry, desculpe, and whatever the french word for it was.
oh yes, Je suis désolé
I was so afraid this would happen from the start.
That we both got hurt,
while we like each other.
Do I even?

I wouldn't even know.
I've been lied to by my own feelings that I can't even tell.

I've told you so many times,
tried to give you a look into my brain so you might at least understand
and yet
you still like me.
You are the sweetest person I know.
So caring

and yet it hurts to speak to you
because I know we can't be together.
Maybe not even if you were closer.

Because of who I am.
I wish I could change, for you, for myself.
You tell me how amazing I am
but every time you say that I feel more broken.
because I know I am not. I know where I come from.
That what apparently makes me amazing, is also what has broken me on the inside.

It's all a lie. I am a lie. My niceness is just because I hope you don't have to go through what I go through every day. I don't even wish it on my worst enemy. And you know how real that is for me.

I'm more broken than I'd like to admit.
If even someone loving me hurts me, I must be doomed.

I will be forever sorry that I can't be who you see me to be.
I've tried to explain.
But there's no logic.
And I know.